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The memory of the girl named Caroline,
naked and fabulous.
How she
had raised her cane and sent it swooping
down to strike the girl Rachel.
The thought of it fills Natalie with bitter-
sweet longing.
The
way its slender length had bit
into the girl's unblemished skin
makes her wonder how it would
feel delivered more cruelly to her
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She decides that if
ever she were to be thrashed like that, she would
not want her persecutor to
hold back.
The strokes delivered to
Rachel by those two girls in the film were quite measured, meant only to
tease, the entire
charade played out only for effect. Fucking
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She could
see that plain as
day.
No, if she were ever to hang bound and helpless like that, she would
want no skating around the edges of
pain.
Physical suffering would be an ameliorative, a cure-all for her inner turmoil, something to purge her of the guilt that plagues her, day
after day.
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Her wrist steadily rotating, unwavering, increasing the pressure in her
fingertips until they are like Brasso wadding on silverware.
Oh, what a
shine.
As she
works herself, she
imagines repeated strikes on her buttocks and
how the
blows might
rid her of
regrets, make her mind a blank and
lovely space.
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Eva and Natalie are talking on the
phone.
"
Are we still on for tonight?" Eva asks her
friend.
"I've been thinking," Natalie says.
"Really?
That's so unlike you.
" "Ha-ha.
Funny-
Funny.
Not! I need to
get something
straight.
" "Oh, what is it?" "I was
wondering.
Secret sex
date.
when we
watched — you know ?" "Looked like
fun, don't
you think?" "You
really got
off on it, didn't you?" "You know I did.
" "Were you hinting —?" "— I
was hardly
subtle.
" "I
need you to be cruel.
" "I can do cruel.
" "You understand why, don't you?" "Because of Ruth?" "It's what I deserve.
" "So
can you be at the warehouse by eight. Fanny-
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I
have a rope — and a cane
just like
Caroline's.
" "Is there
anything I should
bring?" "Just
your lovely buttocks.
" "And you want me to be like that
blonde girl, right?" "Am I asking too much, being incredibly weird?" "If we're talking Weird,
take a look at my life,
why-don't-you.
" Then a silence
between the two friends, broken when Natalie asks: "Do you have
one of those strap-on-thingies.
" "I
have Mark
here with me
now.
" "You call your strap-on Mark?" "Don't be obtuse, Nat.
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couple webcam sex.
Mark is a fellah?" "What's he
like.
" "Oldish — but
handsome.
I've
shown your
photo to him, and now he's
very keen to
meet you.
" "So a
stranger gets to
fuck me while you whip me, is that right?" "
Pretty much
what I had in mind.
"
She laughs in spite of herself.
"So do you want the part, or what?" "I shall be fabulous, darling.
" "
And you don't mind Mark?
Www hindisexvedio com. I can
tell him to do one if you're not keen.
" "Why should I mind? It's
ages since I've had a
man's
cock.
" "
Only polite to ask.
" "Such a well brought up
young lady.
Bede would be so proud of
his only daughter," "Wouldn't he just.
One
more thing —" "— What's that?" "I thought we could
film it all?" "That's asking a lot.
" "No one
will ever see.
" "I
bet Lord what's-his-name promised the
same to those girls.
" "But
this is me, not him.
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So what about it?" "Only if I can be Sylvia.
" "I thought you were done
with her?" "I am.
Just that Sylvia isn't done with me.
" "It
must be
hard for you.
" "Maybe
tonight will be an exorcism.
" "So, you'll do your
hair? The Alice
band,
clothes?
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russia. Everything!" "I'll even recite
some lines.
"
Two years earlier.
Natalie's
first evening on
campus.
She is in the
Students Union bar
with Andrea and Emma, her roommates from halls.
The
three girls are
getting to know each other, lager and wine
oiling their tongues in a
mutual unpacking, a
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It is an uneasy sharing for Natalie, never sure how much to tell.
She smiles
nicely at
all the right moments, laughs at
Andrea's silly jokes as she tries to forget Eva's
smile and
last kiss,
her mother's
goodbye tears.
Emma is talking now, telling the others about her
pony named Major, how she is heartbroken to be away
from him. Improve
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Natalie scans the room
while half-
listening to her
new roommate.
Her eyes settle on a
group of girls at the bar, a striking
redhead the focus of attention.
The redhead seems old for a
fresher, Natalie thinks as she
stares.
It is not just her
shoulder-length
dark red hair that is so much like Eva's that has drawn her eye, more because the
woman has an air of certainty that Natalie finds compelling.
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A mature student,
Natalie decides.
The other
girls are
hanging on her
every word, their eyes bright, their laughter spontaneous and
full of pleasure from being in her
company.
It is Natalie's
turn to
talk.
She tells
about her
home town, the
Cathedral, and how she
sings in the choir.
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But she is distracted now, the
face of the woman
who looks like Eva repeatedly
calls to her.
She
snatches another glance and is ambushed by
eyes that
pierce her soul.
Two sniper
shots straight to her heart.
Five days later.
Early morning
autumn sunshine as Natalie hurries across
campus. Real
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She wants to
change one of her modules and needs to speak to Doctor Manning.
Emma
has told her about Ruth Manning's module, how the academic's twentieth-
century women's
poetry lectures are famous for inspiring
passion in her students.
Already
ten minutes late, Natalie
taps on Dr Manning's
study door.
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A woman
voice tells her to enter.
Ruth Manning is writing at her
desk, and when Natalie peeps around the door she glances up.
It is a
moment when
everything ceases to matter
for Doctor Manning.
Her eyes are ice on the surface of a river loosened by the undercurrent of a sudden spring thaw far
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