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He captured my
will, not my heart.
He led.
I was
not to think but do, do as he said.
He
established his
foothold in my will then extrapolated it
into emotional control.
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I obeyed him to
feel wanted.
Once wanted, he
jerked the wanted
requirement higher.
It was
better to jump higher and again be wanted
than not, I told
myself in idiotic
justification.
I paid
for any expenses incurred together.
He told me not to wear
panties or a bra when
seeing him.
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I obeyed.
He
openly said I was his sex
toy and I
accepted it because
that’s
what I thought I was.
He would switch
from debasement to admiration.
He’d insult me then switch to my being the
best thing to
ever happen to him.
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Like a yo-yo, he spun me up
with compliments to throw me down
with insults.
I spun up and
down on
his control string in cycles of
faster rotation.
When
taken to his
bedroom or later to a motel room, I immediately took
off my
blouse and dropped my
skirt as he demanded.
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Naked he would
turn me around and around
until he decided to either
pinion me missionary style or rear me
doggie style.
Instead of being
upset, I
was grateful I was pleasing
him.
The rhythm of his bed's
headboard and later the
motel's
hitting against the wall from his
thrusting echoed in my ears
afterward.
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The echo reminded me of
who I was, his
bitch whore.
We met
only once a week and the
times together were
only a few
hours but the pernicious debasement
lasted from
call to call.
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I took the pill to avoid
pregnancy but feared contracting an STD and then giving it to my
husband, thus
destroying my
real world.
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