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A broad
dark belt that emphasis her slim waists, her
long skirt flaring fabulously at her calves.
She already owns shoes that
will pass for fifties vintage.
She wonders if
she should wear
stockings and suspenders, but
nearly doesn't
bother, and then relents.
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She visits a hair salon
and shows the girl the
photo she has printed off the
net.
Natalie has done
what she
can.
Before she
leaves her
room, she stands before a mirror and becomes unnerved by what she has
created.
Smiling
for herself —
just like Sylvia would, she
imagines — Natalie is reassured.
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Now she can make a
statement Ruth will be unable to ignore.
Walking across
campus wearing the heavy wool coat she got for a fiver from Oxfam, her
hair protected from the
bluster of wind and
showers by a silk poker-dot scarf.
The clatter of her heels on the paving stones
make her self conscious,
the late
autumn wind
snatching at the unruly hem of her
skirt as she hurries on her way.
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Her eyes dart back and
forth, from side to
side, alert as a
doe on a forest path.
Please,
God, don't let
anyone who knows me see me
dressed like this.
Ruth
opens her
front door.
"Natalie! You're early.
" Then
looking the girl
over, "Oh-my-god! And you've dressed up for me.
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How
lovely.
But you really
shouldn't have gone to
all that trouble.
" Natalie is blushing, Ruth Manning's sarcasm deflating her smug bubble.
Her essay lies flat on Ruth's
study desk.
Natalie scans the copious
handwritten notes in
green ink that clutter the margins as she
sits waiting for Ruth to
move beyond polite
conversation.
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Then Ruth is telling Natalie, "Your essay brims with insight.
You have a keen mind.
It is almost as if you
have a
direct line to the
poet's soul.
" Natalie responding, speaking words she hardly dares own: "Sylvia Plath has always fascinated me, Doctor Manning.
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She is why I
signed up for your module.
Ever since I was
fourteen her poems have spoken to me, haunted me, even.
" She feels her chest prickly hot as she
mouths the lies.
But Ruth has hardly
noticed Natalie's discomfort.
She is quite
animated, her
eyes sweeping the girl's
face as her
voice becomes
passionate: "I like to think that our inner
lives can manifest beyond the confines of
our skulls, Natalie.
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Often our thoughts — especially our obsession — can
take on a
reality independent of our conscious will, manifesting in our
everyday world in ways unforeseen.
Your coming into my
life is a case in point.
" She
looks into Natalie's eyes with an unwavering intensity.
"Have you ever felt that way, Natalie, that you
are on the edge of
something greater than yourself?" Thinking
fast,
searching for something to
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Natalie says, "Sometimes when I'm reading her
words.
It's as if I
had written them
myself somehow.
It's so
hard to explain!" She
places her hand flat
between her own
breasts as she says, "I truly
feel I am
connected to Sylvia,
Doctor Manning.
" A shiver of meaning chills her spine, and she winces
wondering if she
has gone too far. Django498
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But even so, the corners of her mouth twist into a self-
satisfied smile as she thinks, You're beginning to believe
your own bullshit, Nat.
"At
times," she continues, "as I
worked on my essay, it
was as if Sylvia was guiding my thoughts.
" Ruth is reading extracts of
Natalie's essay out
loud, praising a
line of the
text here, an entire
paragraph further on.
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Natalie
gets up from her
chair, goes and
stands behind Ruth, wanting to
read her own words as Ruth says
them aloud.
Oh,
Christ! What are you
doing? Somehow her
fingertips have found their way into Ruth's lustrous, dark red hair, lifting strands and
letting them flow
down as thoughtlessly as if
they were her
own.
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Ruth's voice falters.
She coughs, gathers herself and then continues.
"And here," she says, "
where you say
how this line brings together the
previous.
" The stitching
holding Ruth's
composure together is coming undone.
Her voice is growing
ever more strained. Anakaliyah
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Now Natalie brushes hair
back from the
woman's forehead and
gently strokes the
pale and freckled skin she has revealed.
Ruth stops
talking,
sighs and looks up
with eyes that say do you
have any
idea of the effect your presence has on me.
Ruth swings her feet
round so that she faces the
girl.
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She is preparing to stand up.
A decision as grave as going to war.
On her
feet, she reaches
out and gently cups Natalie's cheek in her
palm.
"Do you
really want to ruin me, Natalie?
Why have you dressed up
like her?" "I know how much you
love Sylvia, Doctor
Manning.
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I wanted to be her.
Just for
tonight, for you," Natalie says, her eyes as
agent provocateurs daring Ruth to throw
off the
rule of self-censorship.
"This is so
wrong," Ruth says, her eyes heavy
with barely contained
need.
"I thought
you liked me — wanted me. Girls from
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I've seen the
way you look at me from the podium in the lecture hall.
And you do like me, don't you? I know that you do! So is
wanting to please you so terrible?" "It is often the
most beautiful things that are the most terrible," Ruth says in a half-whisper, as if to herself.
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Natalie wonders if Ruth is
toying with her, her
intense sincerity the vehicle for some coming snark to prick her bubble again.
She scan's Ruth's face for hints and clues but
sees no cruelty in those focused
points of brilliance that were once her eyes; there is
only the gravity of insistence, a weight of
longing that captures her and draws her down
into an inescapable orbit. Hot asian
camgirl.
Her thoughts are racing.
Oh-god, Nat!
What have you done? No person's eyes have
ever made her feel this way.
She is unravelling under the focus of Ruth's
desire.
Just go, Natalie
tells herself.
Go
now, this
minute — before it's too late.
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